Friday, November 29, 2013

Literally

"The face of a child can say it all. 
Especially the mouth part of the face."
- Jack Handey

Saturday, November 2, 2013

No Interruptions, Please


Hilarious. I came across this video while doing research for a reading class I am teaching.

Friday, October 18, 2013

I am definitely hiring this guy to write the ad if I ever sell a car on Craigslist.




1997 Jeep Cherokee  (XJ)
220K Miles
4.0 L in-line 6 
4WD
AUTOMATIC Transmission 
Bright Red
Straight Stock
Crank Windows, no cruise, no tilt, no delay wiper, no nonsense
POWER MIRRORS!  Woo Hoo!

$1750

Here's the deal, kids:
This is a Jeep Cherokee.  This is not a luxury SUV, or a maintenance-free disposable import.  It has solid front axles, wind noise, and character.
It's a Jeep.  It rides like a Jeep.  It drives like a Jeep.  All of these are GOOD things.
It is not new, it is not pristine, it is used.  This will be apparent in the pictures.


If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you have been posting on facebook all about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and bitch a lot: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a bullshit job where you fail to produce: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you own a bieber album, white oakleys, affliction t-shirts, or those candy-assed stitched-pocket jeans: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you consider the 2nd Amendment an anachronistic relic and have never owned a firearm: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.


If, however, you have BALLS OF STEEL and consider adverse weather an excuse to do stupid shit: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.
Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate?  
Have you ever uttered the words, "Hold my beer and watch this ..."?
While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, "I could hit that from here with the .22 ..."?
Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun?
Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail?
When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fenceline do you consider taking on another project?
Is your ol' lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage?
    -could you not care less?
Do you have Jalopnik saved on your laptop AND smartphone?
Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned?
Do you still miss your first ride?
Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks?
Remember when tool companies had the balls to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars?
Do you consider the Prius an abominable affront to the Gods of displacement, torque, and All Mighty Internal Combustion?


If you answered in the affirmative to the preceding: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.

DETAILS:
-I am the second owner.  First owner barely got it dirty and engaged the front axles once.
-I have remedied this excessive caretaking with muddy roads and a pile of fun.
-The motor uses a little oil.  How much?  I don't know, I'm not collecting statistical analysis points.  
    I check the oil, I fill the oil, I drive.  Not enough to bother me.  
-It leaks a little oil.  How much?  Not enough for me to care.  It has 220,000 miles, Poindexter!
    If you have a vehicle with 220K NOT leaking or burning oil, it's empty!
-Rear bumper has a big-ass crease in it.  I dented it backing into a concrete pole.  Sober.
    We drove away giggling, for the record.  Haven't fixed it.
-Driver's side door was caught by the wind, whipped forward, got into the LF quarter panel.
-Radiator has a small leak.  Pinhole.  I can replace the radiator or you can.  Really doesn't matter
    A new radiator and hoses will run $145.  If you don't want to replace them I will.  
    Add $250 to the price of vehicle.  This includes radiator, hoses, and labor (beer).  A freaking bargain.
-The badass little 4.0L bullet-proof in-line six starts and runs like the proverbial champ. 
-Tranny and 4WD operate perfectly 
-Tires will need replaced in a couple thousand miles.  I haven't upgraded because I had plans:
    Had planned a small lift, upgrade to 17" Wrangler wheels, and more aggressive tires.
    Life got in the way - it ain't happening.  
-Zombie stickers on the right rear window stay.  My daughter's idea, take it up with her.
-Flogging Molly sticker stays as well.  They kick ass, so there.  

QUESTIONS:
-Why are you selling?
    I can't justify owning it anymore.  Motorsickles, kiddos, work, travel, and beer have consumed my time and money.
    Someone else needs to appreciate the Jeep for what it is:  awesome mechanical artistry.

-What's wrong with it?
    Radiator.  Small oil leaks.  Driver's side door cosmetic issues.  
    And it's pissed it has been neglected and parked.  It needs rescued.

-Does the 4WD work?
    Hell yes.  Like a Dickensian Orphan.  

-Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]?
    No.  I'm not in the salvage business.  Buy the Jeep.  Love the Jeep. Give the Jeep a home.

-Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]?
    No.  If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number]
    Want a cheap car?  Get your kid that lowered tuner piece of shit honda project down the road.  
    I think I'm plenty cheap for this bad mofo.

-Why is it still stock?
    Because I bought it for a daily driver with the intention of turning it into a project.
    I haven't had the time to do so.  So I am selling it.

-Can I put a 6" lift and giant tires on it?
    I don't give a shit.  But be sure to use quality components and for God's sake - get it aligned after a lift!

-Would this make a good car for my daughter?
    Hell.  Yes.  Not only a good car, a learning experience.  Introduction to vehicular maintenance.
    Additionally, there isn't really enough room in the back for that little bastard she's dating to try anything.

-Can you deliver?
    Within reason.  I'd drive it a hundred miles or so.  But really, you should come get it.  Look it over.  Have a beer.  Etc.

-Will you take a check / cashier's check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note?
    Would you take a ball pein hammer to the forehead?
    No.  I'll take Cash.  Period.  Bring cash or don't show.

-Will you ship to -?
    No.  See above.

-No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]?
    That's great, I don't give a shit.  Unicef ain't running this deal, and until they do I want $1750.  
    Why?  Because I don't HAVE to sell this little beauty.  Truth be known, I'd rather keep it.
    But if it's going to a good home - I will sell.  Unless you're an asshole - then no sale.

-Why are you such a dick?
    Everything is relative; you should see my friends.

Any other questions, feel free to reply to this email and ask.


Friday, October 11, 2013

I want to pass you and URNDWAY


While the contradiction itself is humorous, this photo also would have been a perfect photo to go with last Friday's post.

Image via 22 Words.

Friday, October 4, 2013

WAY FUИИY


My first thought upon seeing this plate from a distance was, "underway, cute and appropriate."
As I got closer, I noticed I had mixed up the order of the letters initially. When I realized what it was intended to say, I had a good laugh. However, it would be much more appropriate on the front of a vehicle, though the letters would have to be mirrored for the plate to be effective.


 UЯИᗡWAY 

I might have to have one of these made for my freeway drives to tell the drivers in the left lane who aren't passing that they are ИᗡWAY.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

A Variation on a Homonym

It's not a homonym; it is a drawmonym.

From one of my favorite cartoonists, John Atkinson at Wrong Hands.

A visual homonym: drawings that look the same but have different meanings.








Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Heron Ate the Herring

Where did the red herring go? The red heron wasn't distracted by it; I believe the red heron ate it.










The substitution of red heron for red herring is called an eggcorn. I came across this eggcorn in the wild yesterday on the geocaching website in response to one of my tricky geocache hides.

Linguist Geoffrey Pullum coined the term that is defined as the mistaken substitution of one word or phrase for another word or phrase that sounds similar or identical. The speaker or writer of an eggcorn is generally not aware of the blunder.


From what I can tell, other than the St. Julian wine, there is no such thing as a red heron.


Eggcorn image via Boston.com
Red herring image via Politichicks.tv
Red heron image via redheronlampeter.blogspot.com

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Astounded, Shocked, Astonished, Confounded and Stupefied

That is how I felt when I learned that a Yahoo survey found one of the top ten most searched terms for 18- to 35-year-olds is:

What is a synonym?




Survey info via The Week magazine, September 13, 2013
Image credit: bogglesworldesl.com

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Subway's Poor Portmanteau Choice

Am I the only one who has a problem with the name of Subway's new menu item?


There are just too many options for the phonetic realization of the neologism.

To start with, where are the syllable breaks? Is it fla/ti/za or flat/iz/a? Which syllable should be stressed? Also, if it is made to rhyme with pizza, it sounds like either fla/teets/a or flat/eets/a, depending on the syllable break.

I get that it is a portmanteau of flatbread + pizza. But it sure is a phonetically problematic portmanteau.

Friday, August 2, 2013

SpecGram Essential Guide to Linguistics - A Book Review

No ... Click here.

I recently had the excruciating pleasure of reading an advance copy of The Speculative Grammarian's Essential Guide to Linguistics. For the rare few who are unfamiliar with Speculative Grammarian, it is, and I quote, "the premier scholarly journal featuring research in the neglected field of satirical linguistics." 

While I don't know that I would call the book "essential", I will tell you that it is essentially absurd and all-encompassing. At a brief 360 pages, it conquers such important topics as cartoon theories of linguistics, linguistic love poetry and mytholingual creatures, not to mention the standard fare of syntax, semantics, phonetics, phonology and morphology. There are many impressive diagrams and illustrations that really shed light on the more difficult topics (they also add to the aesthetically pleasing nature of the book). I do believe that his book is an overwhelming indulgence that should not be avoided.
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