Anger Management

I admit this has nothing to do with linguistics but it is one of my all-time favorite email funnies that I go back to it whenever I need a good laugh - and I laugh just as hard every time I read it. Hope you enjoy.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you
just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone
you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone
call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man
answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak
with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the
right ******** number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally reversed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I
thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is," he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and
hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the shit out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.
Anger Management really works...

New Spelling Program

Speaking of spelling...one of my readers recently developed an educational program for windows called "SpellQuizzer." The program is designed to turn the tedious process of learning weekly spelling words into fun. You can learn more about the program and try a free demo by clicking here.

Noah Webster on Spelling

"Spelling is the foundation of reading and the greatest ornament of writing."

-Noah Webster

Statistics on Spelling in English

An article in the winter 2008 - 2009 issue of American Educator contains some very interesting statistics regarding spelling in English.

50% of English words have spelling that is predictable based on sound-letter correspondences.

34% of English words have spelling that is predictable, except for one sound, based on sound-letter correspondences.

When spelling is taught with a linguistic approach that includes word origin and history (etymology), syllable patterns and meaningful parts of words(morphemes), and letter patterns, the spelling of only 4% of English words is truly irregular.

The Many Senses of the Definition of Campus

The most familiar sense of the definition of campus is certainly that of college grounds. The original definition of the word campus, according to the Online Etymology Dictionary, is "a field," probably prop. "an expanse surrounded" (by woods, higher ground, etc.) from Latin. First used in college sense at Princeton."

Driving by our local hospital the other day started me to thinking about all the additional senses of the definition that are now used.

The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary entry for campus is:

"1 : the grounds and buildings of a university, college, or school 2 : a university, college, or school viewed as an academic, social, or spiritual entity 3 : grounds that resemble a campus."

In addition to college, hospital, corporation and business campuses, it seems that the word campus can be used to describe the grounds of any set of buildings as long as the grounds are of a large enough size. Perhaps a minimum acreage should be included in the definition of campus.

The Semantics of Slower Traffic

It seems that there are just too many drivers that don't fully grasp the meaning of this sign. Semantically speaking, the two most important aspects of the sign are the comparative inflectional morpheme -er and the word right. I think it is a fair assumption that anyone who has a driver license knows right from left so the problem must lie with the comparative inflectional morpheme.

Following is an example that illustrates the semantics of slower traffic.

If you are driving 80 mph in the left lane on the expressway it is true that you are not driving slowly; however, if a car comes up behind you going 90 mph, by comparison you are clearly the slower traffic.

Additionally, it is not the job of individual drivers to enforce speed limits by blocking passing lanes, it is the job of law enforcement. It is always safest for drivers to remain in the right lane unless passing slower traffic.

Of course there are also drivers who fully understand the meaning of the sign but choose to ignore it. slowertraffickeepright.com does an outstanding job of explaining in more detail the safety and traffic flow benefits of staying right. It should also be noted that it is a law in many states to stay right.

A Variation of the Idiomatic, Rhetorical Question, "Does a Bear Shit in the Woods?"

One of my favorite idiomatic, rhetorical questions has always been, "Does a bear shit in the woods?"...Recently, at a cocktail party, I was served a drink with the napkin pictured below. Here is my new favorite idiomatic, rhetorical question:
"If a bear shits in the woods, should I have a cocktail?"

If Kitty Pidgin then Kitty Creole

Speaking of Pidgins, and I don't mean the birds called pigeons, what is a pidgin and why would one of the names of the lolcat dialect be kitty pidgin?


A pidgin is defined by Merriam-Webster OnLine as, "a simplified speech used for communication between people with different languages."



More precisely explained, a pidgin is a language that develops when groups of people who do not share a common language have to communicate on a regular basis for the purpose of trade. A pidgin is not a native language to either group but is a new second language used between these groups.

Well clearly the so-called "lolcat dialect" is a very simple form of language and obviously humans do not share a common language with cats, I guess this is why some person thought to give it the name kitty pidgin. Let's just hope it does not turn into a kitty creole.

A creole is defined by Merriam-Webster OnLine as, "a language that has evolved from a pidgin but serves as the native language of a speech community."



Pidgins become creoles when those who speak the pidgin teach the language to their children as a first language. Some pidgins never make it to the status of creoles because they die out before being passed on.

What the Heck is a Lolcat and Who Came Up with the Atrocious Dialect?

I saw what is called a "lolcat" for the first time the other day (I guess I really am behind the times). While I have always liked cats and some of the images and sayings are cute, overall I was appalled to find out these lolcats have become such a phenomenon. There is no excuse for using intentionally poor grammar and spelling. At any rate, I decided to learn a bit more about this phenomenon.

According to Wikipedia, a lolcat is "an image combining a photograph, most frequently of a cat, with a humorous and idiosyncratic caption in (often) broken English—a dialect which is known as “lolspeak,” ”kitteh,” or “kitty pidgin” and which parodies the poor grammar typically attributed to Internet slang. The name "lolcat" is acompound word of the words "LOL" and "cat".

After reading this I was even more appalled to learn that this supposed dialect has been given not only one name, but three different names. I guess nothing should surprise me in this day and age of chatlish.

Linguistics Cartoon Favorites - Adjective or Verb?