Saturday, February 28, 2009
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you
just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone
you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone
call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man
answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak
with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the
right ******** number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally reversed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I
thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is," he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and
hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the shit out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger Management really works...
Thursday, February 26, 2009
New Spelling Program
Noah Webster on Spelling
-Noah Webster
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Statistics on Spelling in English
50% of English words have spelling that is predictable based on sound-letter correspondences.
34% of English words have spelling that is predictable, except for one sound, based on sound-letter correspondences.
When spelling is taught with a linguistic approach that includes word origin and history (etymology), syllable patterns and meaningful parts of words(morphemes), and letter patterns, the spelling of only 4% of English words is truly irregular.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The Many Senses of the Definition of Campus
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Semantics of Slower Traffic
Following is an example that illustrates the semantics of slower traffic.
If you are driving 80 mph in the left lane on the expressway it is true that you are not driving slowly; however, if a car comes up behind you going 90 mph, by comparison you are clearly the slower traffic.
Additionally, it is not the job of individual drivers to enforce speed limits by blocking passing lanes, it is the job of law enforcement. It is always safest for drivers to remain in the right lane unless passing slower traffic.
Of course there are also drivers who fully understand the meaning of the sign but choose to ignore it. slowertraffickeepright.com does an outstanding job of explaining in more detail the safety and traffic flow benefits of staying right. It should also be noted that it is a law in many states to stay right.
Friday, February 20, 2009
A Variation of the Idiomatic, Rhetorical Question, "Does a Bear Shit in the Woods?"
"If a bear shits in the woods, should I have a cocktail?"
Thursday, February 19, 2009
If Kitty Pidgin then Kitty Creole
A pidgin is defined by Merriam-Webster OnLine as, "a simplified speech used for communication between people with different languages."
More precisely explained, a pidgin is a language that develops when groups of people who do not share a common language have to communicate on a regular basis for the purpose of trade. A pidgin is not a native language to either group but is a new second language used between these groups.
Well clearly the so-called "lolcat dialect" is a very simple form of language and obviously humans do not share a common language with cats, I guess this is why some person thought to give it the name kitty pidgin. Let's just hope it does not turn into a kitty creole.
A creole is defined by Merriam-Webster OnLine as, "a language that has evolved from a pidgin but serves as the native language of a speech community."
Pidgins become creoles when those who speak the pidgin teach the language to their children as a first language. Some pidgins never make it to the status of creoles because they die out before being passed on.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
What the Heck is a Lolcat and Who Came Up with the Atrocious Dialect?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Linguistics Cartoon Favorites - Adjective or Verb?
Monday, February 16, 2009
Are Wickets Really Sticky?
2. A small window or opening, often fitted with glass or a grating.
3. A sluice gate for regulating the amount of water in a millrace or canal or for emptying a lock.
4. Sports In cricket:
a. Either of the two sets of three stumps, topped by bails, that forms the target of the bowler and is defended by the batsman.
b. A batsman's innings, which may be terminated by the ball knocking the bails off the stumps.
c. The termination of a batsman's innings.
d. The period during which two batsmen are in together.
e. See pitch
5. Games Any of the small arches, usually made of wire, through which players try to drive their ball in croquet.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Obama Accused of Promoting the Genericide of one Compound Word (Blackberry) while Inspiring a new Compound Word (Blackberry President)
Thanks to Obama, BlackBerry Becomes the Next Kleenex
The above headline is comparing Blackberry to Kleenex in the sense that Blackberry is a generic name for the product category of PDA's just like Kleenex is a generic name for the product category of tissues. This process is appropriately called genericide.
I'm not sure that I agree with the writer of the headline because I don't think that Blackberry is in the same league as Kleenex, Band-Aid, Xerox, and the like when it comes to the genericization of product names, though it could be in the near future.
At any rate, I found it interesting that this headline appeared just a week before the current Newseek magazine cover (note the top left corner).
The noun-noun compound word Blackberry President could well be on its way to becoming one of the most-used new words of the year; in fact, there is even a website called blackberrypresident.com. Furthermore, a google search of the word Blackberry President turns up too many results to list including the following cartoon.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Grice's Conversational Maxims
-Make your contribution to the conversation as informative as necessary.
-Do not say what you believe to be false.
-Be relevant (i.e., say things related to the current topic of the conversation).
-Avoid obscurity of expression.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Pragmatics Experience Required
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Verbal Pandiculation
an instinctive stretching, as on awakening or while yawning
by 1611 from French pandiculation from Latin pandiculari "to stretch oneself" and French suffix -ion.
"Pandiculate for Health! Grow Tall! Get Well! Be Young!" Exuberant ads like this, running in health-fad magazines since 1914, have proclaimed the virtues of a spine-stretching device called the "Pandiculator."-- Time, 1942-04-12
Monday, February 9, 2009
E-mail, Snail Mail and Kid Mail
Mail:
1. Materials, such as letters and packages, handled by the postal system.
2. A system by which letters, packages, and other postal materials are transported.
E-Mail (technology inspired, abbreviation for electronic mail):
1. A system for sending and receiving messages electronically over a computer network, as between personal computers.
2. A message or messages sent or received by such a system.
Snail Mail (a technology inspired retronym):
1. Conventional post, as opposed to e-mail.
2. The conventional postal system.
Kid Mail (obviously not inspired by technology but more likely by economy):
A folder system of relaying daily paper notices to parents/staff. (schools.lwsd.org/Discovery/glossary.htm)
In southeast Michigan kid mail is very common and is even used by parents to send notes to other parents through their kids; however, kid mail must be a regional concept as I was hard pressed to find the above definition.
Where does the evolution of mail leave pen pals? Should e-mail pals be called keyboard pals? Or have text messages, instant messages and chat rooms taken over?
Friday, February 6, 2009
Mr. Monk and the Second Bracketing Paradox
Bob Costas, playing himself in the episode, tells Captain Stottlemeyer the story about how Monk saved him from a "demented cat salesman" ten years ago. Of course most viewers would automatically assume that the cat salesman was demented; however, Costas goes on to explain that the cat salesman sold demented cats.
[[demented cat][salesman]]
Thursday, February 5, 2009
The Semiotics of Logos - Obama and Pepsi are Lookalikes
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
McDonald's Advertising - Phonetics Fun
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
McDonald's Coffee Billboard - Pragmatics Fail
If you ask me this billboard and another recent billboard for McDonald's coffee place too much value on a customer’s income. This billboard is not only a put down to people in the city of Flint, it also implies that a person must have monetary wealth in order to have good taste.
At any rate, the pragmatic aspect of this billboard is what first jumped out at me. It is well known in the study of pragmatics that the context in which communication occurs plays an important role in the listener's ability to interpret the speaker's intended meaning. In this case the communication is between writer and reader. The reason I see this as a pragmatics fail is because the context of this communication is its location and I don't believe that the writer took the context into consideration. What I am referring to is the fact that this billboard is on an interstate highway that is travelled by people from many different cities and states. Unless the reader of the billboard is very familiar with the zones that zip codes cover and the income level of the people in those zones, the billboard doesn't really communicate to the reader the writer's intended semantic implication.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Political Portmanteaus - Is Sarah Palin a Barracuda?
Of course, I immediately thought of the old Heart song "Barracuda."
You gonna burn burn burn burn it to the wick
Ooooooh, Sarah-cuda?
No wonder the Republicans lost the election...in addition to the fish sense of the definition of barracuda, a barracuda is also defined by Merriam-Webster Online as: "one that uses aggressive, selfish, and sometimes unethical methods to obtain a goal especially in business."