Anger Management

I admit this has nothing to do with linguistics but it is one of my all-time favorite email funnies that I go back to it whenever I need a good laugh - and I laugh just as hard every time I read it. Hope you enjoy.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you
just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone
you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone
call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man
answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak
with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the
right ******** number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally reversed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I
thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is," he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and
hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the shit out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.
Anger Management really works...

New Spelling Program

Speaking of spelling...one of my readers recently developed an educational program for windows called "SpellQuizzer." The program is designed to turn the tedious process of learning weekly spelling words into fun. You can learn more about the program and try a free demo by clicking here.

Noah Webster on Spelling

"Spelling is the foundation of reading and the greatest ornament of writing."

-Noah Webster

Statistics on Spelling in English

An article in the winter 2008 - 2009 issue of American Educator contains some very interesting statistics regarding spelling in English.

50% of English words have spelling that is predictable based on sound-letter correspondences.

34% of English words have spelling that is predictable, except for one sound, based on sound-letter correspondences.

When spelling is taught with a linguistic approach that includes word origin and history (etymology), syllable patterns and meaningful parts of words(morphemes), and letter patterns, the spelling of only 4% of English words is truly irregular.

The Many Senses of the Definition of Campus

The most familiar sense of the definition of campus is certainly that of college grounds. The original definition of the word campus, according to the Online Etymology Dictionary, is "a field," probably prop. "an expanse surrounded" (by woods, higher ground, etc.) from Latin. First used in college sense at Princeton."

Driving by our local hospital the other day started me to thinking about all the additional senses of the definition that are now used.

The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary entry for campus is:

"1 : the grounds and buildings of a university, college, or school 2 : a university, college, or school viewed as an academic, social, or spiritual entity 3 : grounds that resemble a campus."

In addition to college, hospital, corporation and business campuses, it seems that the word campus can be used to describe the grounds of any set of buildings as long as the grounds are of a large enough size. Perhaps a minimum acreage should be included in the definition of campus.

The Semantics of Slower Traffic

It seems that there are just too many drivers that don't fully grasp the meaning of this sign. Semantically speaking, the two most important aspects of the sign are the comparative inflectional morpheme -er and the word right. I think it is a fair assumption that anyone who has a driver license knows right from left so the problem must lie with the comparative inflectional morpheme.

Following is an example that illustrates the semantics of slower traffic.

If you are driving 80 mph in the left lane on the expressway it is true that you are not driving slowly; however, if a car comes up behind you going 90 mph, by comparison you are clearly the slower traffic.

Additionally, it is not the job of individual drivers to enforce speed limits by blocking passing lanes, it is the job of law enforcement. It is always safest for drivers to remain in the right lane unless passing slower traffic.

Of course there are also drivers who fully understand the meaning of the sign but choose to ignore it. slowertraffickeepright.com does an outstanding job of explaining in more detail the safety and traffic flow benefits of staying right. It should also be noted that it is a law in many states to stay right.

A Variation of the Idiomatic, Rhetorical Question, "Does a Bear Shit in the Woods?"

One of my favorite idiomatic, rhetorical questions has always been, "Does a bear shit in the woods?"...Recently, at a cocktail party, I was served a drink with the napkin pictured below. Here is my new favorite idiomatic, rhetorical question:
"If a bear shits in the woods, should I have a cocktail?"

If Kitty Pidgin then Kitty Creole

Speaking of Pidgins, and I don't mean the birds called pigeons, what is a pidgin and why would one of the names of the lolcat dialect be kitty pidgin?


A pidgin is defined by Merriam-Webster OnLine as, "a simplified speech used for communication between people with different languages."



More precisely explained, a pidgin is a language that develops when groups of people who do not share a common language have to communicate on a regular basis for the purpose of trade. A pidgin is not a native language to either group but is a new second language used between these groups.

Well clearly the so-called "lolcat dialect" is a very simple form of language and obviously humans do not share a common language with cats, I guess this is why some person thought to give it the name kitty pidgin. Let's just hope it does not turn into a kitty creole.

A creole is defined by Merriam-Webster OnLine as, "a language that has evolved from a pidgin but serves as the native language of a speech community."



Pidgins become creoles when those who speak the pidgin teach the language to their children as a first language. Some pidgins never make it to the status of creoles because they die out before being passed on.

What the Heck is a Lolcat and Who Came Up with the Atrocious Dialect?

I saw what is called a "lolcat" for the first time the other day (I guess I really am behind the times). While I have always liked cats and some of the images and sayings are cute, overall I was appalled to find out these lolcats have become such a phenomenon. There is no excuse for using intentionally poor grammar and spelling. At any rate, I decided to learn a bit more about this phenomenon.

According to Wikipedia, a lolcat is "an image combining a photograph, most frequently of a cat, with a humorous and idiosyncratic caption in (often) broken English—a dialect which is known as “lolspeak,” ”kitteh,” or “kitty pidgin” and which parodies the poor grammar typically attributed to Internet slang. The name "lolcat" is acompound word of the words "LOL" and "cat".

After reading this I was even more appalled to learn that this supposed dialect has been given not only one name, but three different names. I guess nothing should surprise me in this day and age of chatlish.

Linguistics Cartoon Favorites - Adjective or Verb?

Are Wickets Really Sticky?

With ski season still in full swing I thought I would mention the term wicket. Having grown up skiing and using wickets, the term is so natural to me that I was amazed when I asked a friend if she needed a wicket and she said, "a what???."

Surprisingly to me, the definition of wicket to which I am referring is not listed in any of the popular dictionaries. The only references I could find on the internet to the wicket used by skiers were patent numbers and a Wikipedia entry. From Wikipedia:

"A wicket for skiing (also called a ticket wicket) is a short piece of light gauge, bend-resistant wire formed into shape to loop through the clothing of a skier or snowboarder. It serves as a secure attachment point for a lift ticket, or other proof of payment such as a cross country (nordic) trail pass."

"Wickets were introduced and patented in 1963 by Killington Ski Resort to reduce ticket sharing. Originally lift tickets were stapled over the wire, but this was soon replaced by self-adhesive tickets."

So, is the wicket sticky? No the ski pass is sticky.

Actually, the term sticky wicket is defined by the Free Dictionary as, "a difficult or embarrassing problem or situation." This is based on British slang in reference to the game of cricket according to The online Etymology Dictionary.

And here is the official listing of definitions for wicket from the Free Dictionary:

1. A small door or gate, especially one built into or near a larger one.
2. A small window or opening, often fitted with glass or a grating.
3. A sluice gate for regulating the amount of water in a millrace or canal or for emptying a lock.
4. Sports In cricket:
a. Either of the two sets of three stumps, topped by bails, that forms the target of the bowler and is defended by the batsman.
b. A batsman's innings, which may be terminated by the ball knocking the bails off the stumps.
c. The termination of a batsman's innings.
d. The period during which two batsmen are in together.
e. See pitch
5. Games Any of the small arches, usually made of wire, through which players try to drive their ball in croquet.

Obama Accused of Promoting the Genericide of one Compound Word (Blackberry) while Inspiring a new Compound Word (Blackberry President)

Posted Friday, January 23, 2009 5:41 PM on Newsweek.com
Thanks to Obama, BlackBerry Becomes the Next Kleenex

The above headline is comparing Blackberry to Kleenex in the sense that Blackberry is a generic name for the product category of PDA's just like Kleenex is a generic name for the product category of tissues. This process is appropriately called genericide.

I'm not sure that I agree with the writer of the headline because I don't think that Blackberry is in the same league as Kleenex, Band-Aid, Xerox, and the like when it comes to the genericization of product names, though it could be in the near future.

At any rate, I found it interesting that this headline appeared just a week before the current Newseek magazine cover (note the top left corner).



The noun-noun compound word Blackberry President could well be on its way to becoming one of the most-used new words of the year; in fact, there is even a website called blackberrypresident.com. Furthermore, a google search of the word Blackberry President turns up too many results to list including the following cartoon.

Grice's Conversational Maxims

In the study of pragmatics it is well known that the success of any communication is dependant upon the cooperation of both the speaker and the listener. Paul Grice was a linguist and philosopher who made many contributions in this area of pragmatics. He suggested that there is, what he called, a cooperative principle that dictates how people behave and interact with each other during a conversation. Included as part of this cooperative principle are what are known as Grice's Conversation Maxims.

Maxim of Quantity:
-Make your contribution to the conversation as informative as necessary.

-Do not make your contribution to the conversation more informative than necessary.

Maxim of Quality:
-Do not say what you believe to be false.

-Do not say that for which you lack adequate evidence.

Maxim of Relevance:
-Be relevant (i.e., say things related to the current topic of the conversation).

Maxim of Manner:
-Avoid obscurity of expression.

-Avoid ambiguity.

-Be brief (avoid unnecessary wordiness).

-Be orderly.

If only every speaker would remember to cooperate. I know quite a few people that don't seem to follow these maxims, especially the Maxims of Quantity and Relevance.

P.S. In pragmatics writer and reader are equivalent to speaker and listener.

Pragmatics Experience Required

Verbal Pandiculation

Pandiculation was a dictionary.com word of the day a few weeks back that I have been meaning to mention. Following is the definition:

pandiculation \pan-dik-yuh-LEY-shuhn\, noun:
an instinctive stretching, as on awakening or while yawning

by 1611 from French pandiculation from Latin pandiculari "to stretch oneself" and French suffix -ion.

"Pandiculate for Health! Grow Tall! Get Well! Be Young!" Exuberant ads like this, running in health-fad magazines since 1914, have proclaimed the virtues of a spine-stretching device called the "Pandiculator."-- Time, 1942-04-12

I really like the word, not only because it sounds cool, but also because I think it is a great word to use when describing blogs...after all, blogs really are a form of verbal pandiculation.

E-mail, Snail Mail and Kid Mail

Ponderings on the different types of mail systems that are in use today and how the idea of what defines mail and a mail system have evolved.

Mail:
1. Materials, such as letters and packages, handled by the postal system.
2. A system by which letters, packages, and other postal materials are transported.

E-Mail (technology inspired, abbreviation for electronic mail):
1. A system for sending and receiving messages electronically over a computer network, as between personal computers.
2. A message or messages sent or received by such a system.

Snail Mail (a technology inspired retronym):
1. Conventional post, as opposed to e-mail.
2. The conventional postal system.

Kid Mail (obviously not inspired by technology but more likely by economy):
A folder system of relaying daily paper notices to parents/staff. (schools.lwsd.org/Discovery/glossary.htm)

In southeast Michigan kid mail is very common and is even used by parents to send notes to other parents through their kids; however, kid mail must be a regional concept as I was hard pressed to find the above definition.

Where does the evolution of mail leave pen pals? Should e-mail pals be called keyboard pals? Or have text messages, instant messages and chat rooms taken over?

Mr. Monk and the Second Bracketing Paradox

I have always enjoyed the television show Monk, unfortunately the writing seems to have taken a nose dive the past couple of seasons. Linguistically, I enjoyed the example of a bracketing paradox in the show two weeks ago (which I posted about); however, when the show from last week included another example of a bracketing paradox it dawned on me that the writers are getting desperate. The writers are resorting to linguistic tricks to help them get a laugh and using the same trick twice in a row just doesn't work (even if the dialogue is delivered by guest star Bob Costas).

Bob Costas, playing himself in the episode, tells Captain Stottlemeyer the story about how Monk saved him from a "demented cat salesman" ten years ago. Of course most viewers would automatically assume that the cat salesman was demented; however, Costas goes on to explain that the cat salesman sold demented cats.

[[demented][cat salesman]]
[[demented cat][salesman]]

The Semiotics of Logos - Obama and Pepsi are Lookalikes

As mentioned in a previous post, semiotics is the branch of linguistics that is concerned with the relationship between a sign and what the sign represents. Semiotics also looks at how people interpret the meaning of signs. In semiotics a sign is considered any type of symbol that stands for another thing. By this definition, a product logo would be considered a sign because the logo stands for the product. People are able to interpret this meaning of the sign because they are conditioned to by advertising.

The above three logos have many similarities (color, shape, wavey lines). The logo at the left is the new Pepsi logo, the logo at the right is the old Pepsi logo, and the logo in the middle is a logo from President Obama's campaign.

I wonder if the creator of this Obama logo intentionally imitated the Pepsi logo so people would associate Obama with Pepsi?

The Pepsi brand was trademarked in 1903 and many people think of Pepsi as an American tradition. Obama certainly does not fit the traditional description of an American president...but maybe with a little help from logos and semiotics.

McDonald's Advertising - Phonetics Fun

To make up for yesterday's somewhat negative post about one of McDonald's advertising campaigns, here is a picture from the newspaper of another campaign that I really enjoy (I have also seen it on a billboard). The phonetic word play is entertaining and the message is an upbeat one (unlike the campaign reviewed yesterday). This campaign makes me happy.

McDonald's Coffee Billboard - Pragmatics Fail

This is a billboard located on I-75 in Flint, Michigan.

If you ask me this billboard and another recent billboard for McDonald's coffee place too much value on a customer’s income. This billboard is not only a put down to people in the city of Flint, it also implies that a person must have monetary wealth in order to have good taste.

At any rate, the pragmatic aspect of this billboard is what first jumped out at me. It is well known in the study of pragmatics that the context in which communication occurs plays an important role in the listener's ability to interpret the speaker's intended meaning. In this case the communication is between writer and reader. The reason I see this as a pragmatics fail is because the context of this communication is its location and I don't believe that the writer took the context into consideration. What I am referring to is the fact that this billboard is on an interstate highway that is travelled by people from many different cities and states. Unless the reader of the billboard is very familiar with the zones that zip codes cover and the income level of the people in those zones, the billboard doesn't really communicate to the reader the writer's intended semantic implication.

Political Portmanteaus - Is Sarah Palin a Barracuda?

I just saw this bumper sticker on the back of a car last week (amazingly I never saw it during the campaign). It struck me as a very interesting political portmanteau.
Of course, I immediately thought of the old Heart song "Barracuda."

You gonna burn burn burn burn it to the wick
Ooooooh, Sarah-cuda?

No wonder the Republicans lost the election...in addition to the fish sense of the definition of barracuda, a barracuda is also defined by Merriam-Webster Online as: "one that uses aggressive, selfish, and sometimes unethical methods to obtain a goal especially in business."