Classified Ad Language Funnies

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Père Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Chopin and Jean de la Fontain.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

Reader's Favorites - The Linguistic Traits of NCIS Agent Ziva David

Call me behind the times but I just discovered the television show NCIS this year (even though it completed its fifth season Tuesday evening). I immediately fell in love with the show not only because it is a quality show but also because I love listening to the character Ziva's use of the English language. Ziva David is an Israeli Mossad agent who speaks many languages, though English is obviously not her first.


Ziva's linguistic traits include:


A lack of the use of contractions.


Tony: How long have you been in this country?
Ziva: Why?
Tony: Well you never heard of gypsy cabs. You don't use contractions. Assimilate already.
Ziva: What are contraptions?


This is quite accurate for an ESL speaker as it is very hard for foreigners to grasp the use of contractions. I, personally, think that the lack of contractions in her speech make Ziva sound very sophisticated - plus I find it amusing.


Mixing up suffixes.


In an episode a week ago when McGee (as he is playing Scrabble with Ziva) tells Tony that he is working on a linguistic developmental exercise to bolster her English vocabulary. Ziva responds that it is not her vocabulary that needs bolsterment.


Mixing up idioms.


Ziva : It'll be like trying to find a pin in the haystack.


Ziva: Ducky, drip it!
Ducky: You mean drop it or zip it?
Ziva: American idioms drive me up the hall!


Ziva: I feel like a donkey's butt.
McGee: Donkey's butt?
Tony: I think she means horse's a** probie.
Ziva: Yes, that too.


Ziva: Kody was covering his plates.


Ziva: McGee you look like you saw a goat.


Each one of the above examples of Ziva's language characteristics falls under the category of either morphology errors or syntax errors.


As for the season finale which has Ziva, Tony and McGee leaving - I don't believe it will happen, I think it was just the writers' version of a cliffhanger, or should I say bluffhanger.

Reader's Favorites - Recent Jeopardy Categories

I try to make a point of watching Jeopardy whenever I can because I believe it is one of the highest quality and most educational game shows on television. I especially love to see how much fun the writers have naming the categories. They truly know how to be creative with language.


Because of my love of linguistics, a couple of my favorite categories recently were You're Such an Idiom and Slanguage. Of course, this got me to thinking of other potential linguistic category titles. Here are some that I have come up with: Clitical Mass, Nice Dipthong, Free the Morphemes, A Nominal Cost, Foxymorons, Hang up the Phoneme, Tag (Question) You're It.

Linguistics Cartoon Favorites - Christmas Phonetics

Linguistics Cartoon Favorites - Christmas Semantics

Reader's Favorites - Zipper Falls Prey to Genericide

A zipper by any other name...is still a zipper. When the word zipper was first trademarked it was considered a proper noun that was capitalized, it was only through repeated usage that the word zipper became a generic name for any product that resembled and performed the same function as a zipper. The term genericide was coined to describe the process by which a trademarked or brand name becomes a generic name for the product category. According to the website WordSpy, the first recorded use of the word genericide was in an article in Legal Times in 1983.


Some other familiar brand names that have suffered from genericide include: aspirin, escalator, granola, heroin, yo-yo and linoleum. Aditionally, the San Fransisco Examiner lists the following brand names as endangered (though I would argue that some of them have already fallen prey to genericide): Band-Aid, Xerox, Realtor, Jeep, Rollerblade and Coke.

Reader's Favorites - The Barenaked Ladies and Semantics

The Barenaked Ladies are one of my favorite "newer" bands, not only because I like their sound, but also, and more importantly, I love their lyrics. They are a band that knows how to have fun with words. They play with word meanings and with listeners' expected interpretations of words.

Take a couple of lines from one of their more recent songs titled "Adrift" as an example:

Ever since we said our goodbyes
The onion rings, the phone makes me cry

The syntactical juxtaposition of the words onion, rings, phone and cry almost causes the word rings to be interpreted as a verb because normally people think of a phone as something that rings and onions as something that makes you cry.

Another example is a couple of lines from their song "Crazy":

I'm a few bricks short of a load,
but a full load always hurt my back.

Here, by adding the second line, they prompt the listener to identify the individual words and their meanings in the idiom "a few bricks short of a load" rather than think of it as one unit.

Slogans in Advertising and Life

I have posted previously about advertising slogan semantics and I just came across an interesting article about slogans in December's Fast Company magazine. The article points out that the word slogan originally referred to the battle cry of Scottish Highlanders and is traced back to 1513 by the Oxford English Dictionary. The gist of the article, however, is that slogans are used too frequently and by too many people nowadays. The authors of the article, Dan and Chip Heath, go on to suggest that the sloganeering instinct is like an oral case of earworm which they suggest calling mouthworm. By the way, earworms are the parts of songs or jingles that become stuck in a person's head and are repeated compulsively within one's mind.

Nuggnuts - What did you say?

McDonald's advertising presents yet another specimen for linguistic analysis:

When I read this magazine ad (I have seen it as a billboard as well) I immediately think of the word numbnuts and there is a simple phonetic explanation for this - nuggnuts and numbnuts differ by only one phoneme and nuggnuts is not an actual word yet (and lets hope it never attains dictionary status). Additionally, it is well-known in linguistics that when the human brain encounters an unfamiliar word it will automatically search for a known word that is similar to use as a semantic template in determining the meaning of the unknown word. Because nuggnuts is not a known word the human brain searches for the closest known word and that is numbnuts.

By the way, the word numbnuts has been in use since 1970 according to Dictionary.com.

And, upon further thought, there is another (somewhat similar) word that might be used as a semantic template for nuggnuts and that is numnah. My son reminded me of this when he saw the ad because it reminded him of the humorous incident at the Scripps National Spelling Bee this past spring. To refresh your memory, one of the contestants was given the word numnah and he misheard it as numbnut.

Numbnuts Post

Video Outtake

P.S. If I were a man and I was considered by others to be a numbnuts I certainly wouldn't be proud of it.

Parking with Pragmatically Impaired Blondes

Considering the amount of snow that is expected tonight and the challenge snow presents for parking, the email I received this morning was perfectly timed. By the way...no offense to blondes (on a good day I am one). Insert any hair color or nationality where the word blonde appears to suit your audience.


Subject: Parking the Car

The local radio announcer on the local radio station said, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power went out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I
don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says...

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


On a separate note: If you are wondering why the spelling of blond(e) varies, it is because the commonly accepted practice is to include the "e" when referencing a female and to not include the "e" when referencing a male.

Detroit NewsPAPERS or Lack Thereof

As a language and word-lover a large part of my enjoyment of reading comes from seeing printed words on paper and being able to hold that paper (whether it be a newspaper, a magazine or a book) in my hands. I am astounded that the Detroit Newspapers have decided to shift their focus to digital media. Reading something on a screen is just not the same to me and that is why I have not purchased an Amazon Kindle. Granted, the Detroit Newspapers will still be published each day; it just won't be the same without having a paper delivered to your house four out of seven days a week. The rationalization that readers can either go out to purchase a paper or read the news online, doesn't cut it. A newspaper is meant to be held and read while drinking your morning coffee in your bathrobe and slippers (you can't go out in bathrobe and slippers to buy a paper). Besides, what about the daily crossword puzzle, without paper and pen (or pencil) the crossword puzzle may as well cease to exist. I realize the economy is hurting everyone but, Attention: Detroit Newspapers, please don't shift your resources to digital, there is a reason a newspaper is called a newsPAPER. If this change is made, I will cancel my subscription and find a newspaper that is delivered to me in print, on paper seven days a week.

My Own Worst Enemy's Autoantonyms

In the show My Own Worst Enemy Christian Slater plays a character with two personalities. I won't get into too many details about the show but the gist of it is that Slater's character is a spy who voluntarily had a microchip with a second personality implanted in his brain by the agency for whom he works. The reason for the microchip is the agency is supposed to be able switch between the two personalities to suit their needs. You may be wondering what this has to do with linguistics, well...the agency is appropriately named Janus after the figure from Greek mythology that has two faces; and in linguistics Janus is the name given to a type of word that is also known as an autoantonym. Autoantonyms or Janus words are single words that have opposite meanings (as opposed to antonyms which are two different words with opposite meanings).

Some examples of autoantonyms are:

Overlook: to examine; watch over...OR...to fail to notice; miss.
Hold up: to support; cope...OR...to hinder; delay.
Scan: to examine closely...OR...to glance at hastily.
Bolt: to secure in place...OR...to dash away suddenly.

My Own Worst Enemy has another item of linguistic note worth mentioning too, the name of the company that Slater's character's alternate personality works for is A.J. Sun (the letters from Janus scrambled).

A Semantic Translation of Women's Words

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE:
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word that is often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Taken from and email a friend sent.

What is a Domination Agreement?

The December issue of Fortune magazine has a column about the term domination agreement. The column is aptly titled "Nomenclature" and defines a domination agreement as "a type of takeover structure used in Germany by acquirers who want to gain full control without controlling all the shares." While I did learn a new definition, I actually found the alliterative subtitle of the article, "Teutonic Takeover Tactics," more entertaining than the article itself.

Continuing an Education Online

I would love to get a PhD in linguistics or even another MA in a related field; however, time just does not allow for the continuation of my education right now. Because of my time constraints, I have become curious about online degree programs and surprisingly there are some online linguistics programs; however they only offer BA and MA programs. I guess my PhD in linguistics will have to wait, maybe I will start looking at an online MA degree in psychology. At any rate, studying for an online degree (BA or MA) in linguistics is an option that should be considered for those that are interested. It appears that many online degree programs have received decent reviews. Just make sure you do your research and can afford it. Many online degree programs cost more than on site programs, so if you don't want huge student loans, keep this in mind.

Don't Sleep, There are Snakes (and Linguists)

Don't Sleep, There are Snakes: Life and Language in the Amazonian Jungle" is a new book written by Daniel L. Everett, a linguist and missionary. I wanted to mention the book because it is not everyday that a (non-textbook) book pertaining to linguistics is published. The book is a non-fiction account of the author's time spent in Brazil studying the language of the Piraha tribe. I am very much looking forward to reading the book; though I probably will not be able to anytime soon as I am busy preparing for the class I will be teaching. At any rate, if anyone has read it and wants to share a review, please click on the comment button below. I would love to hear what people think.

Clarification on Acronym vs. Initialism Post

I want to call your attention to the comments (thank you readers) on today's post about acronyms and initialisms. I have added another comment that might help make the post a bit clearer, or it might not.

"A" and "An" with Acronyms and Initialisms

There was an article a week or so ago in the Detroit Free Press that mentioned something about "an NWA employee." As I was reading the article, I read "NWA" to myself as "Northwest Airlines" (out of habit), thus the preceding "an" sounded incorrect. Remember the rule - always use "a" before a word that begins with a consonant sound and "an" before a word that begins with a vowel sound. This got me to thinking about the use of the determiners "a" and "an" with acronyms and initialisms.

Acronyms are pretty much straightforward compared to initialisms. An acronym is generally formed from the initial letters or syllables of a name and it is always verbalized as a word - Think of NATO, it is never read or spoken of as "N"-"A"-"T"-"O" so there is not a question that it would be "a NATO meeting," and not "an 'N'-'A'-'T'-'O' meeting."

On the other hand, initialisms, though also formed from the initial letters of a name and written as such, are not always verbalized as individual letters (contrary to the definition). This is why when reading "an NWA employee" as "an Northwest Airlines employee," the use of "an" as a determiner sounded and would be considered incorrect.

I could not find a rule regarding this problem in the Associated Press Stylebook. I would guess that because initialisms are made of initials and the initials are not used to form a separate word as they are in acronyms, determiner usage should be based on the verbalization of the first letter of the initialism.

In sum, I believe the Free Press was correct and it was my fault for reading "NWA" as "Northwest Airlines." The only problem would be if a person encountered an unknown abbreviation that could be read as an acronym or an initialism.

Thoughts on Text Message Communication

In response to the comment sent in by reader Emily Ryall regarding text message communication:

Pragmatically, text messages are not incomplete conversations. Emily's suggestion that there is "a tacit acknowledgement that the sender doesn't really expect a response (to every message)" is right on. Text messaging should be thought of as its own context and different contexts have different norms. The norms of text messaging are not the same as those of face-to-face conversations. Additionally, as long as the expectations of both speaker and listener (in this case sender and receiver) are met, the communication should be considered a pragmatic success.

Chinese Language Lessons From a Fortune Cookie???

I have just started to notice fortune cookies that provide not only a fortune, but a lesson in Chinese as well. While this seems like a great idea, I would take it with a grain of rice. Many English words have two or more different Chinese equivalents and according to Ken Liu's Simplicitas, English words found in the fortune cookie lessons are often translated with the characters of one Chinese word and the pronunciation of another. So don't let the joke be on you.

Nancy Pelosi's Barbershop

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi compared the current proposal for an automotive industry bailout to a "barbershop" because everyone would be "getting a haircut in terms of the conditions." Could the term "Barbershop Bailout" be in the headlines soon?

The use of the word barbershop with this sense of meaning actually has great potential; it could be applied to anything that is going to be trimmed metaphorically. I think I will give my boys a "barbershop allowance" this week.

McDonald's Coffee Billboard - A Semantic Analysis

McDonald's billboards continue to provide data for linguistic analysis. A previous post covered the creative use of phonology on a billboard and now there is a billboard that begs for a semantic analysis. The billboard has a picture of a cup of coffee with the following text:

Rich...
so you don't have to be.

Just like yesterday, I am going to get into word choice. When I read this billboard it semantically implies to me that only the people who cannot afford expensive coffee chains should try McDonald's coffee. I think a far better choice of conjunction would have been: Rich...and you don't have to be. This choice of wording semantically implies that you could be wealthy, middle-class or poor (basically, your income has nothing to do with the supposed richness of the coffee) because everyone will like and be able to afford the coffee.

Poor Semantic Word Choice in People Magazine

The December 8th issue of People magazine included the following:
I have to say that I have a problem with the choice of one particular word in the first sentence.

"Three months after her split with Michael Bolton, Nicolette Sheridan cozied up to another familiar face, David Spade, 44."

If you haven't guessed already, the word that bothers me is with. As far as I am concerned, when you split with someone, you are leaving for somewhere with that person (ex. John went to England with Megan). And for that matter, anytime the preposition with is used, it semantically implies togetherness. I believe a better word choice here would have been from, as in she split apart from him.

What do you think? Please comment.

Linguistics Cartoon Favorites - Words

The Language of Teasing

For those of you who may have missed the linguistics current events on this page, here is a link to a wonderful New York Times article called In Defense of Teasing.

Humorous Idioms

I am privileged that one of my dearest friends often shares the memories she has of her father's creative use of language. She just remembered another beauty that is along the lines of the idiom, "When pigs fly." Following is part of an email she sent me:

"One (of the lines) he used to say when there was 'no way' he was going to do something was, 'Monkeys will emerge from my rectum.' It was hysterical! Especially the way he said it."

Thank you dear friend.

Scooby Doo's Wordplay

Having grown up with Scooby Doo as a Saturday morning staple, I absolutely love this bumper sticker and its homophonic wordplay.

Linguistics Cartoon Favorites - Phonetic Man from the New Yorker

Linguistics Cartoon Favorites - Hooked on Phonics

Media is Tagging Graffiti

In the Free Dictionary's definition of the word tagging, the first sense listed is that of: "labeling, identifying, or recognizing with, or as if with, a tag." It isn't until you continue down the list to number eight that the sense of tagging as: "marking or vandalizing (a surface) with graffiti is listed."

It is fairly well known in inner cities that marking a surface with graffiti is a way for gangs to claim/tag their territory, gain recognition and express their identity. While this sense of the word tagging is not currently listed in dictionaries, it may not be long.

Media is constantly using the word tagging when referring to the use of graffiti as a gang-identifier and by doing so media not only reinforces this use of graffiti but it also propagates it. In other words, media is labeling, identifying and recognizing graffiti as the way for a gang to claim/tag its territory, gain recognition and express its identity.

Britney Spears Anagrams

It seems fitting to post about Britney Spears today because Yahoo.com just announced that she was the number one most searched-for person in 2008.

A fellow linguist and blogger, The Virtual Linguist, recently emailed me a link to a BBC television program about solving cryptic crosswords. Unfortunately, I was not able to view the program here in the U.S. Thankfully though, my new email pal sent me a comment on the show from one of the program contributors and I am still laughing.

"Presbyterians is an anagram of Britney Spears: now that is cause for rejoicing."

This anagram is credited to Ron Young on the Anagram Genius website.

Apparently many people actually waste their time thinking of anagrams for Britney Spears because the website also includes the following anagrams:

Best PR in years (by Ron Young by hand) (1999)
Yens, strip bare. (by Stanley Accrington by hand) (2006)
Rips teeny bras. (by nosson by hand) (2005)
Bra type? Sirens. (by Rick Rothstein using Anagram Genius) (2004)
Pert? Yes. Brains? ... (by Paul Pridmore using Anagram Genius) (2004)
Teensy bra rips. (by Glenn Bristol by hand) (2002)
Err, spiny beast (by Jason Ehrhart by hand) (2001)
Beers, party, sin. (by unknown using Anagram Genius) (2001)
Arrest by penis. (by Andy Worth using Anagram Genius) (2000)
Presbyterians (by Ron Young by hand) (1999)
Nip yer breasts. (by Jenna Morris by hand) (1999)
Nearby priests (by Melissa C. using Anagram Genius) (1999)
Siren best pray. (by Ron Young by hand) (1999)
Best in prayers. (by unknown using Anagram Genius) (1998)
Panties bys err. (by Jeff Flores by hand) (2007) (pending approval)
Berries Panty's. (by Jeff Flores by hand) (2007) (pending approval)
Tripy bareness. (by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons by hand) (2007) (pending approval)
Errs by panties. (by Mick Tully using Anagram Genius) (2007) (pending approval)
Seen a rip, try BS. (by anon using Anagram Genius) (2007) (pending approval)
Binary pesters. (by Stefan T. Lund using Anagram Genius) (2007) (pending approval)
Spray beer tins. (by Peter Laurence Hall using Anagram Genius) (2006) (pending approval)
Pesters Brainy. (by Carynne No.) (2006) (pending approval)
Bra Inserts? Yep! (by perplex city) (2006) (pending approval)

All I can say is..."SAD."

Text Message Communication

Reader Emily Ryall sent the following:

"I was thinking about the conversational analysis of text messages and how they might be something interesting to think about. My experience of text messages is that they are an incomplete conversation, i.e. we feel an obligation to keep the conventions of 'normal' conversation, but are unable to do so. So I'll often just ignore people's questions on text message if I think they're just some kind of phatic communication. Yet, I'd never do this in 'real' life. I don't know whether this is an issue of time or money (if text messages cost 10p) or whether there's a tacit acknowledgement that the sender doesn't really expect a response. Have you thought about this at all? Do you have any comment on it?"

I am putting this out there to welcome other readers' comments while I am working on my response - which will follow soon.

By the way, thank you Emily for sending your question. I encourage all readers to send any thoughts, questions, comments or feedback you may have.

O-phoria - A New Word for a New President

The ubiquitous coverage of Barack Obama's election (including insta-books, quickie documentaries, magazine covers and more) has been dubbed O-phoria by The New York Times columnist, David Brooks. To be sure, many people are euphoric; however, when I look at the word in print I automatically think Oprah.

What is Semiotics?

In yesterday's post about the name of T-Pain's album (THR33 RINGZ), I referred to the use of the "3's" for the "E's" as semiotic. Because semiotics is not a widely known area of linguistics, I thought I should explain a bit more. Semiotics is the scientific study of signs and their linguistic meaning. It is about the relationship between a sign and what it represents. It is about how people determine the meaning of signs. In semiotics a sign is considered anything (a symbol, an icon, a sound, a picture and so on) that stands for another thing.


With the album THR33 RINGZ, semiotics refers to the use of the use of the number "3" as a symbol for the letter "E". Semiotics also examines the relationship between the "3" and the "E" and what it is about the relationship that allows people to determine the intended meaning of the symbol.

T-Pain's Variety of Spelling

I will admit that I have no idea who T-Pain is and I know nothing about his music but I do find his version of spelling quite interesting. His new album cover is pictured at left. The spelling that caught my eye was not the phonemic spelling of the "s" in the word RINGZ (which I believe is fairly common for musical artists of certain genres these days) but the semiotic use of the "3's" for the letter "E's" in the word THREE. I love the creativity. Though maybe he should have used one "E" and one "3" to better go along with the name of the album.